She knows it kills him inside, the knowledge that the love that he so much yearns for can never be reciprocated, but can we really blame her, when she is a walking corps herself? The doc advised her against too much thinking coz her ulcers levels had sky rocketed and were harmful to her health, but how can she not think of him when all she needs, all she yearns for, all she longs for every waking day of her life is his love which she cannot get because he is equally dying to be loved by someone else?
The fact that he could sing made her fall deep in love with
him, made her almost crazy, she had a thing for songs and deep respect almost
an awe for musicians, she had always wondered how they transform words to
convey various human feelings into beats and rhythms that was flawless, she
could spot a great voice from a far and listening to music was her chill
factor. “Maybe we could be singing right now, maybe we could be humming our favorite
rumba rhythms together”, she thought to herself. “ How would singing with him feel like, am
sure I would be singing like a frog and gently with love and affection he would
be guiding me back to the right key, maybe we could be running around, throwing
pillows at each other and devouring each moment, never wanting to be ever
apart, maybe we could be coding a game changer software, the next big thing,
who knows, hmmmmmm, or maybe we could be swimming right now, am sure I would be
falling like a stone deep under the pool, and am sure as hell that he wouldn't
let me drown, he would dive to save me and we would all smile, laugh and joke
about it, who knows, we could even be tendering to our shamba right now, taking
care of our small orchard , maybe we could………..at this point she trailed off,
tears welled up her eyes and she realized she was wishing for an impossibility,
he was gone, he was never and has never
been hers, he has never been free……he is too haunted by his own demons to love
her, she culled herself to her pillow and cried her sorrows away.
“ Pa- she would one day open up to one of her best friends ,
mentor and former lecturer – I am a walking corpse” That statement took him a back,
what is it doty? He asked with concern and pain that almost drove her to tears.
It’s this man, this man that I can’t seem to forget, she paused for the point
to sink in- I can’t leave him behind, I am stuck in time. “It’s okay, he said. You are an intelligent,
smart, independent and above all my star, am sure he never loved you, otherwise
he wouldn't let you go, he wasn't good for you and am sure God will help you to get someone
who will cherish you and see you as I do, someone who will love you the way you
deserve to be loved, someone who will see the gold in you, if he let you go, then
that moron was never good enough for you because my angel, you deserve better”.
As consoling as he was, her mind kept betraying her, going
back to that Friday-that Friday when she sealed her own fate, that Friday that
nothing whatsoever has ever been able to erase. That Friday when she let it go,
that Friday has been her solace and sorrow, her strength and weakness, she
would do anything, absolutely anything to re-live that day, ANYTHING! That day
gives her the strength to face another day, hope that if she could experience
such feelings here on earth then heaven does indeed exist on earth, that
feeling was a feeling to treasure but that very feeling has been her everyday nightmare,
the fact that she cannot re-live it again, the fact that it’s gone has been her
daily hell and a constant reminder that hell too, indeed does exist on planet
earth.
He looked at that man who sat by her side, that man who had
been so patient with her, hoping that she would come around and love him, that
man who like him needed her love only that her love was imprisoned, imprisoned
by the memories of this other man, and therefore she had no more love to give.
She looked at him, knowing too well what she was about to tell him and with
only too well of an understanding how he would feel, she gathered her courage
and told him that she was a walking corpse, that she had no love to give, that
she had tried to break loose-loose from the past-but that her past and present
lines were so blurred she no longer knew which world she lived.
And she let him go………and the one her heart ached for will
never come back to her, she knew that as well and so it was all a circle of pain, but who will break it? Time will tell, SOMEDAY......
