In him, everything sank!

This was my destiny and in it was my voyage of my longing,
and in it my longing fell, in you everything sank!

But how can you blame him when love once dealt him a fatal blow, how can you blame him when the past memories still blur his vision, how can you blame him when it sounded too good to be true? How can you blame him when he doesn’t understand your hurt, how can you blame him when he still sizes you up, how can you blame him when he got his standards, how can you blame him when it was too early too soon? But in you dear, everything sank!

There was thirst and hunger, and you were the fruit.
There were grief and ruins, and you were the miracle.

It pierces like a sword, confuses like algebra, wounds like a terrorist - ohh the aborted love, you are worse than assassin. You deprive one the desire to face a new day, you dash the hopes and reduce them to nothingness, Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity. Coz in you everything sank!

Like a jar you housed infinite tenderness.
And the infinite oblivion shattered you like a jar

Those eyes reminded her of someone, someone who was once that dear, and that gaze seemed so genuine, they aroused thirst and hunger and he was there to quench them, to satisfy them. Those hands uh, they made her feel so tender, put her in a wanton state, the way he stole her heart- he could have been a crook and then everything was shattered to oblivion, in him everything sank!

It was the happy hour of assault and the kiss.
The hour of the spell that blazed like a lighthouse.

Until only the memory would come back to assault her, nothing could assuage the hurt, she felt lonely amidst crowd, questions kept bombarding her head, the whys?, the hows? The what  ifs but never the I wish I knews,  In the bosom of her heart, she still loved him, longed for him and came up with excuses to justify his insensitive deed. Or could it be a payback time? After all they say- What goes around comes back around, and she knew only too well.

Oh the bitten mouth, oh the kissed limbs,
oh the hungering teeth, oh the entwined bodies.

Every man's memory is his private literature, so they say, and hers was an intense literature that never had a slow motion, everything happened so fast but they left an indelible mark, with no rewind button to unhappen whatever had happened- the entwined bodies, the unforgettable kisses, the shared laughs, the muted dreams, oh in him everything sank!

How terrible and brief my desire was to you!
How difficult and drunken, how tensed and avid.

But how could she blame him when she loved him so much, when she cared about him so much, when she thought in him she had reached? How could she blame him when maybe he was equally hurting- but was he? How could she blame him when she couldn’t find it in her heart to do so? But in him, everything sank!

Deserted like the wharves at dawn.
It is the hour of departure, oh deserted one!

It is the hour of departure. Oh abandoned one!

(Poem excerpts from Pablo Nerudo’s Song of despair)

Love is learning

Was it an issue of trust given too early, a lot said prematurely? Or was her boldness and blatant honesty threatening? Did her confessed love seem plastic? Was he having second thoughts, did he doubt her sincerity? Or did he know something she wasn’t privy to? Was she pushy, maybe bossy? She didn’t know, she couldn’t tell all she knew was that something had changed something she couldn’t explain, something only silence could ravel. Her eyes gave her away (or so her colleagues noted) - were her pupils maybe too dilated? Was her heart playing tricks on her? She didn’t know but she welcomed the feeling non-the less until……until ………

When she boarded that bus, she never anticipated what awaited her on the other side of the divide, but whatever it was- she was more than ready to take it in, and take it in she did- very furiously and fast, no pausing, no doubting, no reflecting and most importantly no regretting- she was carried away, away to a world she had long longed for, she hoped and wished that that feeling would remain, would last, would be permanent, did it last? Was it twisted? She knew not, until…..until…….

The blinking orange LED light that she was fast becoming accustomed to made her heart race whenever she saw it, it was a perfect indicator that heartwarming and moving texts had come her way, she didn’t have to think about the words she would use to reply back, they came so naturally to her, so correct so fitting, so blending like her piece of the puzzle had been found. All the barriers had been broken, all the walls she built came tumbling down- and they didn’t even make a sound, it surprised her, surprised her pals. Was it a wide contrast to what she had made herself believe, or was she the one changing? Had she not known herself all these time? Whatever it was, it was a most welcome change, most treasured feeling until…..until……

She longed for that tight embrace, those searching and knowing lips, that welcoming chest, those protective arms. They made her feel safe, want more and wondered how on earth some people chose a life devoid of all these- were their thoughts synchronized? Was she alone in all these? Did he mean what he said? Was he holding back? She knew not. She trusted fully, loved completely or so she thought. Was it too early to confess her undying love? How much did she know about him? Her world seemed perfect, her heart and soul were in sync  that’s all she needed to know , that’s all she needed to feel to be sure, until…..until…

The LED indicator became sporadic, content basic. She started minding her words, her replies. Was she thinking too much? Maybe blowing things out of proportion, she knew not, but hoped so. She still felt her heart had found a home. That she is right, she feels and knows she is and with patience she summons her energy every day and hopes she never erred. Until then, her heart will have to be tamed, to drop the wild imaginations and her body as well will have to be subjected to life’s tutorials to learn to be patient, to know how to mute the raging and burning passions, to learn to postpone gratification, she will holistically have to learn all these while wishing love wasn’t so bittersweet after-all.