The scar will always remain

It’s a feeling you can’t quite place, it is confusion, anger, denial, betrayal, loneliness etc. all mixed in one. The feeling is raw and people deal with it differently, it’s feeling you never wish to have, you can’t quite explain how or what you are feeling, it rips your heart apart and with it sometimes your soul and even your humanity. It’s a feeling that with all sincerity you wish to go away but you just don’t know how, it reminds you how alone you are in this world, people can only imagine what you are going through but they can never really know and you have to deal with it a lone only YOU can save yourself!

Maybe it brings out the real you into the fore or maybe the real animal in you, but one things is for sure to a great extent it changes who you are maybe gives you supernatural powers to do things you never knew you were capable of!

It has driven people into asylums, led to great inventions or even great pieces of work-songs, paintings, drawings etc., some it has turned into convicts capable of committing the most heinous of crimes imaginable under the sun whereas others it has turned into great spiritualists and individuals worth emulating but one thing is certain this feeling can drive you to your limits!       

To others they just lock themselves up, never to be opened again, they remain a mystery even to themselves whereas others go to great lengths of making sure they inflict the same pain if not more to other people, they want others to feel and go through exactly what they have been or still going through because what defines their humanity is lost, they have remained only shells  and they don’t know how to deal with that, it eats them up and every time they get the opportunity to make someone else go through the same they feel temporal relief or even some degree of heroism but then again they would want the relief to be permanent, never to fade again and so they have to keep inflicting that pain to other people frequently-they become addicts until they don’t know which hurts the more; their own pain or the  pain they are causing others.       

                                                                      

‘I don’t know who I am anymore’ she said biting her tongue, you could tell it was weighing heavily on her, ‘Past few months I have done things am not particularly proud of’ she continued hoping that by spitting it out she would get some relief but we all knew, something in her had changed at some point, something that made her pull it together, right now, she was just existing, surviving!

                                         Break gold or even diamonds,

                                         Break glasses or even the most expensive things in the world

                                         But never break someone’s heart coz the scar will always remain!

(Read a poem close to this in high school, can’t remember by whom or the exact words but the point is the same)

Heartbreak: A feeling you don’t wanna wish even to your worst enemy

Not acceptable? You be the judge

It’s 6 in the evening, a sleek car arrives to pick her up, there is a temporal joy, pride, achievement and even satisfaction but it doesn’t last for long, her conscience bothers her, her soul is troubled, her body is not in sync something is amiss, completely amiss, she knows it, she feel s it but she is torn in between.

She is taken to exotic places, fancy restaurants, and meets people of class and substance but the guilt will not let her be, why am I doing this? Why am I betraying so many people at once? Why am I stooping so low? For a moment her reasoning gets the best of her, she walks out but walks right back in, the guilt eating her softly.

Her nieces and nephews look up to her as a role model, outwardly she is the epitome of morality, of hard work, of diligence and a saintly being, so many people hold her on a pedestal, no one really knows her, to them she is saintly, to her she is worse than the devil incarnate, it bothers her, eats her up but she has no energy or will to let go, she has become a slave to her own self, but why?

What does she get from him anyway? Not money, not fame, not a good life, not material things and certainly not a great sex, then what? Every time he would give her money, however little, her heart would sink with it; she would feel like a walking skeleton so she stopped asking and taking anything of monetary value from him. She would never let him buy her anything, she valued her independence, and at least she still held on to that but then why was she with him? During their whole ‘pretense’ she kissed him twice, both instances when inebriated, the thought would come to haunt her later but she could deal with that. Sex became a taboo topic to discuss between them, it nauseated her the sight of him naked would literally make her sick and she made this known  the best way she felt how without bruising egos, so then why was she with him? 

One thing she liked with the whole arrangement was the fact that she set her own rules, and literally lived by them, rarely did she buckle down and he knew this just as much, but then why did they have to put up with each other?

                                                 …………………………

It was one fine Friday afternoon, outside library of one of the country’s leading learning institutions; she had gone to meet him, to give him her CV. They were meeting after over a decade of separation, they had once met when she was a kid, she vaguely remembered him and therefore this meeting other than to jolt up the past memory, she had hoped that through him, she would secure a well-paying job- not an awkward scenario in itself-after all this is a ‘man eat man country’ , who you know matters more than what you know and being a fairly respectable person with lots of linkages, she had hoped to tap on that and land herself her first job, her graduation was coming up in a few months.

During their initial exchanges, she noticed a rather lonely man, slightly unkempt and despite having everything else going for him he needed help which not just everyone could give, his family was away, had been away for years now, though they were constantly in communication their absence weighed heavily on him. She therefore thought she would help, but how without ruining everything? How?

                                                ……………………………

She knew he didn’t love her, he liked her a great deal but certainly not love though he would insist on the latter, she equally liked him, he seemed tender, was a gentleman enough and respected her a great deal, but then it became an uphill task to ‘help’ him without compromising certain values that she held so dear. But there is one more reason why she kept the whole ‘scandal’ going: she used him as a yardstick; she wanted a life and lifestyle like his, he was deeply knowledgeable, had admirable business acumen, was a keen investor, she admired all these and more and by getting closer to him, she had hoped to learn a great chunk from him on how he did his dealings, the principles and rules that he lived by and the secret to being so successful.

Maybe by taking this route she made one of her biggest errors in life, she knew she erred anyway but was equally glad that every day she could learn something new. She needed to feel a live again, her conscience heavily weighed down on her and with all the resolve she could master, she called it a day-she quit.

Though it was a fairly secret arrangement, the society could have judged her harshly were the society be in the know, she doesn’t absolve herself from her deeds either  but wished that sometimes before we cast the first stone, examining and understanding ones motive wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all.

                                                  (Jumbled up flow is intentional)

Let the kids be: it’s the least we can give them

Being a kid is so interesting, you know, kids are supposed to be the free spirits, the carefree souls, the worry free beings, their world typically should consist of throwing tantrums, playing, crying, sleeping and if old enough studying- which ought to be a leisure in itself. But am afraid things are slowly changing, for the worse I must add. Majority of kids nowadays, barely into their fifth birthday know the pain of lacking; lacking a good life, lacking a good environment in which to grow, they are already aware of the faults and crimes committed in their society, their innocence is already in question.  Long ago leaning was meant to be fun for kids, not any more- what with tuition at just a kindergarten level? Instead of kids thinking about their favorite games, they are thinking about books, about what to eat should they go back home, they are thinking about the disharmony they witness their parents go through, they have to worry about the ills of their society- what happened to being kids? Why can’t we just let them be? 

Play forms a very integral part of a child’s development: 

A child who has been allowed to develop play resources receives many enduring advantages. First, she develops a universal learning skill. Second, play maximizes her potential by developing her creativity and imagination. Third, her relationships with the world and others are based on loving-kindness. Fourth, play promotes joy, which is essential for self-esteem and health. Fifth, her learning process is self-sustained based as it is on her own natural love of learning and playful engagement with life. Sixth, play creates a basic trust in the world.   (Source: http://www.originalplay.com/develop.htm)

 

But prey I ask, how can a child play when she/he barely have a place to sleep? When he/she doesn’t have food in her precious lil tummy? When she\he hardly knows what it means to be happy?

Just for the record, it wouldn’t bother me as much if a kid walked with tattered clothes, or bare feet, no it wouldn’t, but it rips my heart a part when at just such a tender age they already know the pain of hunger, the pain of being unwanted, the pain of having to struggle, to hustle in order to get something to eat. 

There is this particular kid who reminds me every day how cruel the society has become, how his innocence have been taken away from him and forced to grow up well ahead of his age, every day on my way to work, I see this kid- I guess he hasn’t celebrated his 5^th birthday just yet, or utmost he is 5.  Almost 9 into the night (everyday), he is always busy cleaning up the place his mum and him were selling the groceries, he does that so diligently that he makes me feel guilty of untidying my environment, but I wonder what time he gets to sleep, what time he plays, what time he eats and if he ever have a sound sleep? I wonder!  At such a tender age, he knows the pain of hustling, the value of money , he has been forced to grow up, to fend for himself….how can such a kid have  unshakable self-esteem when he grows up? How can he ever trust the world? How can he develop his/her creativity and imagination when he barely have time to engage the world and fellow kids on the playground?

30^th of September was another dark moment in Kenya’s history, a grenade was hurled at innocent children attending a church service by the Alshabab militia groups, one boy who had just celebrated his 9^th birthday lost his precious life, in Tana Delta, kids were among the targeted group, quite a number lost their lives………and I ask, with lots of pain in my heart, since when did it become so easy to kill a child? Why would anyone, however hardcore you are, target an innocent child? What satisfaction do you get from harming a kid who barely understands your motive?  Why would you want to get sexual satisfaction from a months' old baby? How twisted is your brain? Why would you want to molest an innocent child? 

We are failing as a society and as humanity if we can’t shield them from the cruelty that exists in the world, children are the true reflection of the society, you bring up a rogue child, you create unsecure society, you bring up a morally upright kid, you eliminate the ‘ campus divas for rich men’ .

                                             Play your part; it’s your call as well.