Fare thee well dear one – I seek atonement for my betrayal

“You may not recognize her”, my brother had warned. I heard his voice break, his eyes looked unfocused, his gauze was hollow; he had a special connection with mum.

Stronger, I thought I was until I set foot in that hospital, until I set foot in that ward, then I knew what illness can do to the body, then I knew that health is wealth.

I saw a child-like body, I wondered what the “child” was suffering from, she looked small, so small and frail, so small even for a child until I moved closer and it hit me, she was not a child; on that bed my mum laid, the child-like figure was my mum. Our eyes locked, and my tears flowed like an opened tap. I moaned my mum before she passed on and I shed no tears when she eventually passed on.

“It’s me”, she said, “moan me not, for I am still alive” and her words opened more taps from my tear gland, I left the room, I couldn’t stand to see her like that, I couldn’t stand to look at her without being a wreck, I wasn’t strong enough to be brave for her and tell her it shall be well, I wasn’t strong enough to promise her tomorrow, I didn’t see a tomorrow to promise her. I wanted her to go home, go and rest, go and rest with them Angels – she would do exactly that in a few days, she gave up the fight. Angels are keeping her peaceful, that I fully believe.

Because, she was a fellow Angel who walked the earth.

I have never visited anyone else in a critical condition again since then, because I am never too sure how I would react.

But Immaculate was different, Immaculate I wanted to go see, Immaculate was another angel I wanted to go comfort when in an hospital bed, but Immaculate left too soon, my procrastination took the better of me, and tomorrow never came, until it was too late.

I betrayed you girl, I betrayed our friendship, I betrayed your love for me, I betrayed you as a colleague, I betrayed you as your manager, I betrayed you as a friend, I betrayed you as a confidante, I betrayed you as a human being, I betrayed you deeply, so deeply I do not have a moral ground to even say your name, to even talk about you, to even moan you.

I betrayed you dear one.

Many a time you showed me how one can be happy amidst challenges, many a time, you comforted me when I felt the work pressure would have the better of me, many a time you showed me what it means to care.

Your smile radiated everywhere you went, your easy going personality earned you more friends than I can count, many of us of ”two left feet” wished we could shake it like you did.

You were a ray of hope, you lit everywhere you went.

Then cancer came calling, it didn’t care that you had not even celebrated your quarter century of existence, it dimmed your radiance, it made you pale, it extinguished your light.

And through it all, Minto came not to comfort you, to hold your hand, to tell you to hang on, no she didn’t and for that swiry, she has no one else to blame but herself.

Your demise has brought to the fore my weakest points as a friend, it has reminded me once again of my mortality and that tomorrow is not always promised.

“If I should die – Thomas Gray

If I should die and leave you
Be not like the others, quick undone
Who keep long vigils by the silent
dust and weep.

For my sake turn to life and smile

 Nerving thy heart and trembling

hand to comfort weaker souls than thee.
Complete these unfinished tasks of mine
And I perchance may therein comfort thee”

Your death will not go to waste without lighting another ray of humanity in me, for the sake of your demise and to seek your atonement for the wrongs I did during this period when you needed me the most, I will try to the best of my capability to extend a helping hand to weaker souls in need, to be a ray of hope to souls in need, these swiry, I will do to complete your unfinished task to humanity.

To all the cancer fighters…

I dedicate "Am gonna love you through it, by Martina Mc’bride”